Monday, April 02, 2007

I Am Not - It's Positively Negative

kakak - playing masak-masak with her twin-cousins

Iman, striking a pose with Hazim, his cousin. Aren't they both 'jendul' eh?

Of late, saya suka sangat tengok budak2 kecik, babies in specific. Maybe sebab anak-anak saya dah terkeluar dari kategori babies kot. Kakak is a preschooler already while Iman who toddles, naturally is considered a toddler. Kakak is 6 this year and esok, Iman is a bubbly 29mo. That’s 2y and 5m. Despite his age, Iman doesn’t speak much. Our means of communication are often in forms of screams, tantrums, throwing things, and babbles. In other words, he needs extra attention. Anyway, at the sight of babies, girl especially, making me want to have one of my own. Now.

And yet when I missed my period and when the tester showed another faint faint faint line, I broke into tears. I felt as if I betrayed my own kids. I would not be able to be there when Kakak starts her primary next year. And I would not be able to attend to Iman’s mischievious-ness I like now. I just felt so…. unprepared.

And yet a day or two after that, I started to imagine how it would feel to hold a baby in my arms again and I secretly wished for another girl. A girl for me to dress in gowns, laces, hairclips, hairband. If possible, please grant me one with curling hair. One that I can name Nurul Nuha (I have that name ready since the birth of Nurul Athirah).

It was a mixed-feeling, isn’t it?

Just when I started to sort-of come to term with that, I got my period while I was in JB attending mdh’s convocation. It was almost a relief. Welcomed and needed.

Clearly it was a mixed-feeling.

Another baby or two is fine with me. Maybe next year when Kakak has started her primary and has stabilize herself with the new changes. Maybe when Iman tone-down a bit where his activities and temperamental is concerned. It takes two to tango right so I need to mdh to be prepared as well (as of now, he is not). And when the time comes, I hope Allah makes it easy for us.

Sorry to keep some of you waiting. The tester could’ve been faulty I think. A friend said I could’ve been pregnant actually but miscarriage. Either way, as of now, I am not pregnant.

Thanks anyway for the concern. Appreciate that.

9 comments:

CT said...

k.ummi, i was waiting for ur updet. that was what i thot when i discovered i'm expecting for my 2nd last january. my son is coming to 2 this 20th. takut and thot like i'm not ready tapi on the other side nak tambah anak lagi. lagi pulak i'm still breastfeed him at that time and looking at him nak "susu" despite my tiredness and sickness, kesian lak kat die that i have to stop breastfeed him.
nway, klu dah rezeki tu Allah bagi jugak kan.

ummi said...

ct ~ big CONRATULATIONS from me. how fast some people reproduce eh! i always believe whatever happens, it happens for a reason kan. i know with other kid around, it is almost impossible to rest during pregnancy but try your best to be well rested okay.

semoga you'll have smooth pregnancy.

yatipruzz said...

ala negative ker hehe? whatever it is God has its own plan and we never know what is the best for us till he reveals it.

doakan la saya plak pregnant tak sabar nak mkn bebyk cam dulu :p

ummi said...

yati ~ yep. taktaulah nak sukahati or sedih. whatever it is, like you said, mesti ada hikmahnya kan. pasal makan banyak ni kan,.. beware with what you wish! akak sampai sekarang tabiat makan banyak tak boleh tinggal. sejak ngandungkan si kakak lah. kira sekarang ni akak dah boleh kalahkan husband akak lahh... semua sapu. sib baik body susah nak lekat daging.. kalau takkk...... taktaulah cek dah jadi besaq mana la nih!

pB said...

TAK TAHU NAK KOMEN APA ....

~ahni~ said...

Itulah naluri manusia, terutamanya naluri seorang ibu. Walau macam mana kita rasa nak 'space' ke, nak time ke.. bila nampak baby mesti rasa 'cair' kan.. Inilah salah satu kebesaran Allah.

ummi said...

PB ~ tak tau nak reply apa!

ahni ~ itulah sebab kenapa Allah jadikan kita ada naluri macam tu. saya tak faham sungguh kenapa ada org buang2 anak tanpa rasa kasihan lepas dah mengandung 9 bulan. bagi saya sendiri, anak2 yang riuh rendah itulah yang paling mendamaikan perasaan saya (how irony kan). walaupun hidup saya dah takde istilah 'privacy' atau 'my own space' - saya bahagia!

oren said...

itu yg saya rasa bila pregnant balik..dah tu, tak rancang..memang rasa betrayed sgt kat Najmi..he will be 1 yr by the time this baby arrive...tapi dah rezeki..takkan nak menidakkan plak..lagipun, kesian kat baby, camana perasaan dia bila jadi unwanted child...amik masa gak aaa nak redha..berkat nasihat dan doa kawan2, i am more emo stabil now...

ummi said...

oren ~ alhamdulillahhh... bukan semua org buleh dapat anak rapat-rapat gitu oren oiii!! akak bukannya tak suka tapi keadaan kami tak mengizinkan.

I learned the hard way, kena jaga emosi masa pregnant. budak mudah sgt mengikut perangai kita.

take care okay.