Had It Been..

Had everything went well, our baby would've been born today. The day I got to know baby left us, Tebby was in Thailand. I was nursing a broken heart whilst managing my life, my kids like nothing had happened. But I guess that what makes me who I am today.

Apapun terima kasih Ya Allah atas pinjaman itu walaupun cuma sekejap. Cukup menyedarkan saya kebahagian boleh datang tanpa dipinta dan boleh hilang tanpa rela. Cukup mengajar saya hati ini perlu dididik supaya sabar dan redha. Walau apa pun, alhamdulillah.. saya pasti semua perkara ada hikmahnya.

Bacakan detik-detik gembira, resah, panik dan berkesudahan dengan duka di sini. Bacakan bagaimana Kakak, dengan empatinya cuba menghiburkan hati saya, di sini.

Post ERPOC Check-Up

My 5th August was cancelled coz Dr Ashar was not around on that date so we have it rescheduled on 8th August 2009.

It was Saturday. We need to bring Kakak as well to screen for H1N1. She's getting better but better be safe than sorry kan. Tengah-tengah bersiap tu, Iman bangun pulak so he tagged along. Adam stayed home with Bibik Ros. We, the 4 of us went.

Kakak, after just initial temperature check, is not having H1N1. Sungguh lega okay.

As for me, I had my stomach scanned. Dr Ashar confirmed there's nothing unwanted left and my uterus has gone to its normal condition pre-pregnancy. He said there's no 'berpantang' period should we want to try for another baby again but he'd prefer if we wait until I got my period first. Tebby still undecided on this. Me? I want! I want!.

I was given a table to fill in once I got my menses back and to see him for pap-smear end of the year.

Thinking back, had all my babies survived, we would have 5 children! We lost Iman's twin, who would've been our 3rd and the recent miscarriage was supposed to be our 5th. Takdir Allah, we have 3 and they're handful like having 5 as well!

Hijrah Kehidupan

Nama aje MC tapi saya sibuk! Benar, saya dah ada bibik tapi urusan sekolah anak-anak haruslah ibu bapa yang buat, kan. Kes saya ni, abahnya sibuk. Sampailah masanya dalam hidup saya, saya perlu independent. Nasib baik saya pernah jugak merasa jadi dependent selama beberapa tahun sebelum ni. Merasalah nak dimanja-manja.

Sebetulnya, saya telah apply unpaid leave selama 2 minggu untuk menguruskan Bibik Ros. Maksud saya untuk melatih dia dan juga orientasi anak-anak saya dengannya supaya serasi. Selain itu, saya perlu uruskan transportation anak-anak dari rumah ke sekolah, uruskan pertukaran tadika Iman dan beberapa hal-hal lain. Takdir Allah, saya keguguran. Lantas application itu di KIV and instead, saya dapat MC, 2 minggu. Sangat kebetulan kan.

Untuk hal Iman, tadika berdekatan rumah menolak dia. Katanya sudah penuh. Budak 5 tahun sudah ada 20 orang. Saya explain keadaan Iman. Entahkan faktor itu sebabkan penolakan, saya tak pasti. Mungkin saya bersangka buruk saja. Kata tokei tadika, tahun depan InsyaAllah. Cuma dia minta tempoh percubaan selama sebulan dengan Iman. Buat masa ini, kami putuskan Iman dikekalkan. Status quo. Pagi dia akan ke Atfal Excel (tadika) dan selepas itu dia ke Atfal Sayang (taska) sehingga saya konfiden dan dia sendiri selesa untuk naik van. Kos untuk Iman tetap kekal RM170 dan RM150 untuk tadika dan taska, respectively. Tak masuk OT tu. Dengan En Tebby selalu balik lewat, mungkin saya akan drive juga ke ofis so that I can punch-out right on time. Kesian Iman kalau kami lewat. Kalau dulu ada Kakak dan Adam.

Untuk Kakak pulak, jenuh saya tunggu bas-bas dan van-van sekolah lalu depan rumah. Catitkan contact number. Menimbang-nimbang yang mana satu. Bas kah? Van kah? Akhirnya, kami putuskan Kakak akan naik van ke sekolah agama dan sekolah kebangsaan. Bayarannya RM40. Untuk 2 sekolah, makanya, RM80 sebulan.

U ols kan tau how pathetic and paranoid I am when it comes to my kids. I know she's 8 but that did not deter me from stalking her. Adakah dia turun di tempat yang betul? Adakah dia naik van yang betul waktu pulang sekolah? Apa reaksi mukanya waktu sampai rumah? Alhamdulillah, hari Isnin (first day naik van), saya tengok dia OK saja. Turun di tempat yang betul. Naik pun van yang betul. Nasib baik di cermin depan van tertera nama tokei van sebesar-besar alam. Senang nak identify. Kakak kata 'owh... van yang ada nama ********* kat dahi van tu ye?'. Apa-apa lah nak, janji selamat. Itupun... berbuih saya pesan, kalau tertinggal van, kena pegi dekat sekolah atau guard mintak tolong call ummi atau abah. Saya letak tag besar kat beg contact number kami suami isteri.

Well, I kinda like it staying at home. Maybe sebab I still got my pay he he. Dulu dirundung kesedihan and I distrated myself dengan mengeluar dan menyimpan semula baju-baju dalam almari. When I started browsing to buy things online, I knew I was back to my normal-self he he. But that's not all about it la. I love sending Kakak naik van. Watch her over lunch. Prepare her bekal. I love fetching Iman later in the afternoon. We usually take longer route, roll down the window and chat (yesss... he chats nowadays!). I'm sure gonna miss this once my MC ends next week.

Alhamdulillah, Bibik Ros is up to my expectation. So far, at least. I don't have to tell (and nag) much. She knows what to do. Mungkin sebab dia pernah jadi pembantu rumah waktu di Indonesia. I woke up to clean, mopped floor, empty dirty laundry basket, clear sink. I do the cooking and clowning around with the kids. I have ample time to supervise Kakak's homework. I have time to belek myself have since started to take better care of myself. Kenalah kan.. I am 35 already this year. 5 more years before I hit the big-40. I heard Bibik Ros listens to quran recital before bed and when I am upstairs, if she's done with her chores, she watches Oasis and follow Quran recital. She makes my kids sit and recite du'a before eating. I hope that's natural and not just something she does just to impress me.

Part of it, I owe it to our Gravida 4. If not for my 4th pregnancy, I would not take a live-in maid. Yes, Allah makes things work in mysterious way.

ERPOC

Referral fr. Dr Bee. I consulted my regular Obgyn, Dr Ashar the next day.

Saya dah selamat menjalani ERPOC (Evacuation of Retained Products of Conception) awal pagi 21 July 2009, bersamaan hari Selasa. Menurut kata nurse, prosedur ERPOC itu sendiri sekejap saja, mungkin sekitar 5-15 minit saja. Tapi the whole process untuk prepare patient sampai ke exam table dan untuk sedar semula mengambil masa kira-kira sejam. Untuk pulih dari lalok bius pulak, dalam kes saya, mengambil masa hampir 1/2 hari.

Makcik takut taww.. I slept at around midnight, took my last sip of water right before bed. Kena puasa.. I woke up at 2.30am to Adam's restlessness sebab nak susu and could not really sleep after that. I've never been put into unconcious state before my whole life. I was told ERPOC is a minor surgery, but still, there was always 'what if i never wake up'?

Baju OT yang sangat seksi.
Sangat seksa to keep your butt from showing okay..

Tengok wallpaper nun.... horror kan.

I was admitted to room 331, APSH thru their A&E (as Dr Ashar put it, casualty). The worst room in APSH I ever stayed in. The room was considerably small, the wallpaper torn, the toilet was well... urghh. I was given the green, sexy OT dress. Was told to change into it, only it, nothing else. Even my getah rambut pun was confiscated before I was pushed into the OT.

At around 9.00am, two nurses came with another bed and asked me to lie onto it. Then the usual questions of medication and food allergy, acute diseases, as well as false dentures, past surgeries. I was wheeled to their Recovery Area and changed onto another bed. That was when my getah rambut went away and I had that green cap on. Then those questions again. I waited for another 15 minutes before the anaesthetist (Dr Aminah) came and asked the same questions and explained the procedure.

At 9.15am, the moment of truth came. I was wheeled thru doors after doors and what seemed to be like compartments after compartments. It's hard to tell as my glasses was taken away and my poor 400 eyesight was not helping much. We eventually arrived at the OT. Makcik nampak la lampu besar cam dalam movies tu u ols. Nevertheless, I was put into another bed and asked to pull both hands out of the sleeves, leaving me in 'berkemban' state. I heard them talked about Putrajaya and places suitable for photo-shoot. About hindustani movies. They put some wires on me and next I heard my own heart thumping alound. And yes, they asked those questions again.

Next, the anaesthetist came and made an IV at my left hand. They jab in some pain killer which made me dizzy. Ingatkan ubat bius, pelik pulak awat tak knock off lagi at that point. Rupanya pain killer je. Dr Aminah then showed me the ubat bius, according to my poor eyesight, nampak macam panjangnya lebih 1/2 kaki tiubnya. She explained it'd be a bit painful, tanganku mungkin sengal sikit. Yep it was. I was complaining about it and next thing I knew a nurse pat me to wake me up. Makcik konfius ok. The big lamps were gone. I still had that device on my finger and the mask was still on. Ku rasa-rasa, someone had put a sanitary pad on me (i hope it's not that male nurse), meant the procedure was done. I had slight pain on lower abdomen. It was 10.15am and I was wondering what Tebby was doing and if I could eat straight away once in my room.

It was 11.00am when I finally transferred onto another bed and wheeled into my room. The first thing I told Tebby 'anak kita dah takde'. Dr Ashar came for ward review at 12.30pm and told us it was much of blod clots and some tissue since it was still at early stage. He explained about scapping and sucking out which made my stomach turned.

I asked for an early discharge, the very same day. I was given a 2 weeks MC and my next appointment will be on 5th August 2009. I am now on Augmentin (antibiotics) 625mg twice daily, Naproxen 250mg thrice daily (painkiller, so makan kalau sakit aje) and Revicon Forte (multivitamin) once daily.

The bill came to a surprising RM2.9k. Lagi mahal dari makcik bersalin okay. Came to think of it, there was 2 doctors involved kan. The most was OT, rental of sort. Thanks for Fibrecomm, which paid for it via AIA.

Anyway, for comparison between ERPOC and D&C (Dilatation & Curretage), refer drpakar here. Sama-sama tambah ilmu...

Keajaiban Yang Tidak Berlaku

For those who doesn't know yet, we lost our baby. At 9 weeks. 9 minggu yang indah. 9 minggu yang cukup menggembirakan saya. Tambah lagi kalau diikutkan ramalan kalendar, it could've been a girl. Namun perancangan Allah yang pastinya baik-baik belaka, tiada siapa yang tahu.

Pagi semalam Tebby berangkat ke utara, selanjutnya ke Hatyai. Urusan kerja. Bukan saya tak biasa begitu tapi bila saya sedar saya mengalami 'spotting', saya hilang punca. Tambah pulak my regular obgyn was on leave semalam. Dr ganti mengesahkan kandungan saya sudah tiada heartbeat. Dah scan dari banyak angle, hasilnya tetap sama. No activiti, katanya. I'm afraid you've lost your baby. Saya dengar saya menjawab I'm prepared for this. Dr Ashar has related this possibility. Saya bercakap tapi saya mengharap itu bukan saya. Mana mungkin!

Saya khabarkan kepada Tebby. Terus dia call saya. Terus juga saya menangis. I thought I was prepared tapi tidak. Saya hanya dapat bertenang beberapa minit. Bila Tebby mengirimkan sms 'Allah lebih menyayangi dia', saya menangis lagi. Dan hari ini saya bertemu Dr Ashar, to proceed with whatever necessary. Deep down inside, saya mengharapkan keajaiban. Manalah tahu Dr semalam tersilap. Berdeguplah, berdeguplah, hati saya mengharap. Namun keajaiban itu tidak berlaku. Mana mungkin saya mempertikaikan seorang doktor bertaraf pakar.

I am scheduled for a D&C next Tuesday, at around 2.

If it was a girl, she has a name already. Nurul Nawarah. To rhyme with Kakak's Nurul Athirah. Maknanya gilang-gemilang. The name was in list since my first pregnancy. So we thought, it was going to be used afterall. If it was going to be a boy, I would've left it for Tebby to decide.

Gila saya kan. Selayaknya dia bukanlah 'baby' lagi. Kejadian fizikalnya masih terlalu baru. Tapi kawan, saya seorang ibu. Walau 4 minggu pun, 9 bulan pun, 2 hari pun, tak kiralah anak ke 4, ke 2 atau ke 10 pun, seorang ibu pasti sudah terbit rasa sayang. It has a special spot in my heart, khusus untuk dia. Sepertimana Kakak, Iman dan Adam. Setiap orang ada tempat istimewa di hati Ummi.

I'm Still Pregnant

Check-up saya 9 Julai lepas was the 3rd one with Dr Ashar. It was just 2 weeks after my 2nd. Remember I bled a bit last 2 weeks and from the sonogram, the sac was not developing from the week before, where size is concerned? (Read my worries here).

It was the first time I went alone. Dah le detik-detik penentuan nih, kena pegi sorang pulak,... isk.

We had a little chat before doing the sonogram. How I was doing. Well, I was too occupied to be sick, I told him. With 3 kids, no maid, busy husband, neverending dirty laundry. Maybe he was just trying to make things easy for me. The moment of truth came. The sac was bigger than it was 2 weeks before. The baby, my baby, our baby, was there in the corner. I saw something blinking. The heart! It was beating. Dr. Ashar put on the speaker and there I was, hearing its heartbeat. Dup dup dup dup. Enough to give me assurance that, if everthing goes well, I'll hold him/her in my arms next year.

I am to continue with my 5mg folic acid once daily and 10mg duphaston twice daily and to see him in a month time. By then I'll be 12 weeks already.

Alhamdulillah.


Statistic:-
Week - 8w2d
Baby size - 6w3d
Weight - 49kg

me @ 8 weeks

I Bled!

I bled or rather it was spotting last Friday. Was about to get prepared for Asar when I saw blood stain. Next thing I knew, we rush tp A&E APSH, given a jab (nasib baik bukan yang sakit amat tu) and given Duphaston 10mg. I was told to come back and see my regular Obgyn the next day.

So we did. It was not a happy one. At that point as of last Friday, I was categorized as 'threaten abortion' and chances of survival is 50-50. From the sonogram, there was not much improvement (where the sac's size is concerned) since last week. My Obgyn was not too happy to see that and since I spotted as well, he advised me to be prepared for things to come. Tho it's 50-50 chances, the inclination would be the untowards one. Even the heartbeat was not visible. I am to see him again next 2 weeks.

I stopped spotting the next day, Saturday. Have been religiously taking Duphaston twice a day after food. True, this may be my 4th one. True, this maybe unplanned for. But, to a mother, a baby IS a baby. Even at just 7+ weeks, I have developed that sayang feeling. Well, it may help a bit since I have 3 other kids, but still. Whatever the result maybe, I believe Allah knows and plans the best for us. Kita sendiri tak tau apa yang terbaik buat kita.

So,.. minta doakan yang baik-baik buat kami. Minta saya kuat untuk menerima apa jua ketentuan...

And A Baby Makes 6

Jumaat lepas was my first check-up with O&G. Where else, APSH lah kan. So far so good, everything's okay. I was hardly 5-weeks all along last Friday, we could only see the sac but not the heartbeat. Dr Ashar said between 8-10 weeks, the heartbeat will be obviouly visible. In the meantime, I just need to stuff myself with folic acid and see him after 3 weeks from the appointment date.

Unlike my 2nd and 3rd pregnancy, which I was neutral on the gender, this time I hope it's gonna be a girl. I think after 2 boys in a row, anyone would be feel the same like I do. That's just my preference but if Allah grants us with another boy, syukran. Girl or boy, the baby is gonna be lavish with lots of love from us, the parents, along with his/her sister and brothers. Adam pulak macam tau-tau je. Lately suka sangat dok atas riba. Kalau ummi tengah baca buku ke apa, sibuklah dia berusaha meletakkan diri dia atas riba. InsyaAllah when the baby is born, Adam will be 21 months old.

So far I am ok. No major morning sickness whatsoever. Penat sikit-sikit tu adalah. Pukul 8 malam je, rasa nak switch off dah. Penat ni kalau tak pregnant pun penat. Whatmore during 1st trimester. Can't imagine how it would be like in my third nanti. Harap semuanya berjalan lancar.

Apart from that, we've been dilly-dallying adjusting our lives. We may hire a maid. We may let-go my ViVa for a slightly bigger one. We even think of scouting for new house. Semua peringkat planning je lagi ni. Yang pasti, last weekend, we cleared our boxes of books, magazines and the likes and have them nicely arranged in our newly purchased billy racks. To make it a study area, we put a vika 2m study table. Next action, wallpaper to make the area berseri-seri. Originally we want to have the walls painted green but dah pasang rak semua tu, I think I'll just opt for wallpaper. These, subject to my financial wellbeing jugak. I need to re-assess my habit. Makcik sgt banyak shopping lately ni okay. Ni bukan pembawakan budak ni.. dari dulu lagi semakin menjadi-jadi.

To friend who left comments, who congratulated tete-a-la-tete, thanks a lot. Indeed masa beli alphard, we had just 3 kids in mind. Had we known we're gonna expect another one, we would've settled for estima maybe or innova. Tapi manalah nak tau kan. Looks like the back seat will be occupied afterall.

Statistics:
Week - 5
Weight - 48kg

I am Positively Expecting.. Again..

Sempena Jumaat yang penuh berkat ini, saya ada satu pengumuman untuk kawan-kawan. We're expecting another baby. Yes people, I am pregnant again despite that '3 is enough', 'i am too old already for this'. Alhamdulillah is the perfect choice of words to describe our situation. Rezeki can be in many forms and children is definately one.

We did not expect this. Not this soon. In fact we did not expect anymore babies. But when the kit showed +ve result, we were as much excited as the time we were expecting Kakak, Iman and Adam. I'll only see my obgyn next Friday but I 've seen Dr Rasool and I am expected to give birth sometime around 19th February 2010.

The first time I did the test was last Monday 8th June, a week before I was supposed to get my menses. Way too early huh. Why? I just felt pregnant. And I saw some spots that normally appear on my body only when I'm expecting. The result was a blurry +ve. Wednesday 10th June, I went to see Dr Rasool just to ensure the medications I was taking (I had low grade fevel, coughing and runny nose then) are safe enough for expectant mom. So I did the 2nd test, just to be sure. It was a clear 2-lines result. It was 5 days before my period is due. Dr pun terkejut how can it be detected that soon. Yahh... hormonal me. You can expect some hormonal entries in this blog for the next 9 months or so!

hok atas tu first kit i tested on. blurry but +ve.
2nd test kit bawah tu. tidak syak lagi..

Wish me luck. I hope it's gonna be a smooth-sailing pregnancy this time around. I hope I can fast a full moon.


When Tebby first sat in his current post, which requires him to frequently travel, friends said selalu jauh-jauh nanti rindu. Selalu rindu, cepat dapat baby. Oh well...