Innalillah..

My FIL passed away early morning 7th January 2012. About a week after we parted for KL having spent the week earlier in Tgg.

Thanks to those who sent condolences via sms, fb.

We were shocked indeed. Tebby was broken for a while before he could collect himself and later we sped off to Tgg. I wished I had known how to drive his car then. How stressful it was having to face the death of a very close family member and at the same time having to drive all the way from KL to Tgg.

To cut things short, syukur, semua berjalan lancar. Semua anak-anak arwah dan menantu sempat tengok arwah sebelum dikebumikan. Semua cucu-cucu kecuali 2 orang sempat menatap arwah. I remember how cold he was when I kissed his forehead. But I didn't make it to the grave for burial. My MIL was not able to go due to her health so we waited at home and received visitors.

How fragile life is. My MIL was unexpectedly calm and composed. But she broke away when we salam and parted for KL, after 8 days in Tgg. Sesungguhnya kalau keadaan membenarkan, I'll be most willing to bring us to stay with us. Whatmore when Tebby is an only son. But she has her own thinking and for now we'll just let her do things her way.

Moga arwah FIL, Haji Ismail b Awang ditempatkan bersama orang-orang beriman di sana. Moga Allah permudahkan urusan harian MIL di kampung.

This is the 3rd consecutive years that death of close family members occured. Mid 2010, my nenek passed away. After Eid 2011, my uncle passed away. And early 2012, my FIL. Yes, we broke down in the beginning, absorbed in our feelings. Later we carried on and moved on. Not to say we forget, we never do. But life itself needs us to move on.

Al-Fatihah to all those that has passed away.

Mudahnya Dapat Pahala

When I started back working back in July, I had mixed feelings. Hati lebih berat kepada nak resign terus. I must say when I stayed home, insyaAllah all domestic matters were better better managed. My husband could expect full-fledge dinner on the table. All dried clothes were pressed, folded and put away. Everything was in place. Everyone was happy. (And I tabik to those who can do that, even as a working mom because it is not easy).

In addition to that, now the kids are, from time to time, asking
Kenapa Ummi kena kerja? - Iman
Why can't we be like before? - Kakak
Can you come back at noon and pick us up? - Kakak
Saya tak nak pegi taska. Saya nak duduk rumah - Adam

And today I found this.

Pernah sahabat nabi merungut apabila melihat seorang yang badannya kasar kerana kuat bekerja dan berkata:
"Alangkah baiknya jika dia menggunakan kekuatan tubuhnya itu untuk berjihad pada jalan Allah"

Mendengar itu Rasulullah s.a.w pun bersabda
"Jika dia bekerja mencari nafkah untuk anak-anaknya yang kecil adalah fi sabilillah, jika dia bekerja untuk kedua-dua orang tuanya pun fisabilillah, jika dia bekerja mencari nafkah untuk dirinya sendiri juga dikira fisabilillah, tetapi jika dia bekerja dengan tujuan menunjuk-nunjuk dan riak, maka itu adalah fisabili syaitan (pada jalan syaitan)."

Riwayat Bukhari&Muslim dan Tarmidzi

MasyaAllah. Sebagai ibu dan isteri, mudahnya kita nak cari pahala. Duduk di rumah menguruskan anak-anak, suami dan urusan rumahtangga, dapat pahala. Keluar bekerja pun dapat pahala, as long as bukan menunjuk-nunjuk (as in ayat di atas). Of course we have our preference but either way, pahala.

Kakak, Iman dan Adam - susah untuk Ummi terangkan sekarang. But this is untuk keberlangsungan hidup kita semua. Satu hari nanti kalian pasti faham.

Of Life and Death

When we were celebrating Eid recently kat kampung, my mother repeatedly said ntah-ntah ni raya last dia. ntah-ntah tak sempat next raya dah. I jokingly said Raya Cina tak lama dah.. kejap je lagi. There she was, frail and could barely stand up straight. She looked as if she aged by few years since the last time I saw her, which was about just 3 weeks before. And yet demi anak-anak dan cucu-cucu, she cooked all the usual delicacies we usually have on Aidil Fitri. But for Aidil Adha. She told me not to buy lemang or rendang. We were to prepare like we normally do for Aidil Fitri. Despite all her sakit urat and whatnots, we had the spread ready by morning of Aidil Adha.

As muslims, kita percaya mati tu pasti. Cuma masa yang kita tak tau. No one can guarantee he/she will live for another more minute pun. Kun faya kun. Saya ingat suatu masa tu saya bertangguh-tangguh bertudung. Kiranya saya mula pun agak lewat, I was about 18-19yo time tu. Kalau diingat-ingat balik, katakan tak sempat berhijrah, nyawa ditarik balik. Nauzubillah. I have to admit dalam mencuba untuk betul betul berhijab dalam ertikata sebenar, banyak cabarannya. Sehingga sekarang pun saya masih terus mencuba.

Many years ago, my sister passed away in a tragic accident. She was not even 30, and had been married for only 2-3 years. I can still remember my mother said how sad it was for a mother untuk mengkebumikan anak. It should've been the other way around.

Ayah saudara saya, he passed away on 5th Syawal this year. He battled colon cancer for quite sometime. He survived for years through series of chemo and whatnots, and suddenly he gave up. Soon after, he passed away. He was my mom's youngest sibling, in mid-40's, and yet the first that passed away.

Last Tuesday, Tebby's cousin passed away. Even after post-mortem, cause of death was uncertain. I think he was in his late 40's or early 50's. His father (Tebby's uncle) masih ada. Uzur, diabetic (has had his toe removed due to that).

Life goes on. Through happiness of births and sadness of deaths. We all moved on. We need to carry on.

I remember when I was in my early 20's. I saw engagements, weddings, people fell in love with each other. Later I saw some friends' marriage fell apart and they got divorced. And some now in their second marriage. And now I am seeing deaths of close relatives.

When the time comes, bersediakah kita? Cukupkan amal-ibadat? Anak-anak kita sudah cukup terdidik kah? Bila ajal datang, sedetik pun tak tertangguh.

Kepada Mak saya, sesungguhnya mati itu pasti. Siapa yang pergi dulu, hanya Allah maha mengetahui.

Bila Terpaksa Memilih

Kalau boleh memang tak mau.
Tapi terpaksa.

Iman is not doing well, health-wise. He's been sick on-off for quite sometime. Measles la, demam la, batuk la, selsema la. He's asthmatic, thus he's prone to sickness. Especially when the weather is not being kind. Last week, baru je baik demam and semalam he was 39d!

It is not that we've been saved from all these all these while. When he was about 1-3 years, he was always sick. In fact those phases were more difficult than what we're facing now. Imagine being admitted in hospital for 4-5 times a year and each time, it was for a period of 2 weeks, on the average. And it was always both of them (Iman dengan Kakak, Adam takde lagi masa tu).

But when he begged us to stay home together, I could feel I was breaking into pieces. He hit me just at the right place. How more cruel can a mother be when she leaves for work while her child is sick? What more when the child begs to stay home?

Iman, to you, I may seem to put my work before you but it is not. It never was and insyaAllah will never be. You don't know how hard it is for me to stay in the office while every second I remember you're being sick. But life isn't always like we want it to be. We may plan things the way we want them to be but how they will turn out, it is always Allah's decision. After all these years, I have learnt apa yang Allah takdirkan upon us, are exactly the things we need, no matter how hard or sore things were in the beginning.

Rest assured Ummi dan Abah sayang Iman, Kakak dan Adam, so much more than you all could ever imagined.

Iman, I miss the happy-go-lucky you. I miss my little chatterbox. I miss those sparks in your eyes and the cheeky smile. Please get well soon.

Nasi or Noodle?

We need to eat to stay alive. Some prefers nasi. Some prefers noodles. It's just a matter of choice and preference. The objective - to stay alive.

Setahun menguruskan keluarga cukup melunakkan naluri keibuan saya. Senyuman Adam selepas menggunting langsir buat saya lupa kerenahnya. 'Good night Ummi, I love you' dari Iman sebelum tidur membuat saya rasa segar setelah bertungkus lumus membantunya ulangkaji. 'Ummi tau tak, spots pada cheetah is called rosette?' maklumat dari Kakak buat saya sedar saya tak perlu mengeluh bila dia minta dibelikan buku-buku.

Jika boleh saya mahu detik-detik itu berterusan. Saya manusia biasa, akur dengan takdir. Saya mungkin memilih nasi tetapi jika sudah rezeki saya noodle.. alhamdulillah. Saya tak mau kufur nikmat. Sepanjang setahun saya bercuti, ramai yang saya jumpa mengeluh tidak punya pekerjaan. Sedangkan saya, pada standard saya, I am well paid. (standard saya - kereta jenama Cik Vivi, tiada beg tangan kos empat-angka atau baju jenama pelik-pelik sampai tak reti nak sebut)

Jumaat lepas, kebetulan En Tebby bercuti menghantar Iman ke 2 sesi terapi di HUKM. Sejak saya masuk pejabat balik, urusan itu perlu digiliri. Abah, Ummi, Abah, Ummi. Jika En Tebby bercuti, maknanya saya akan solo-driving ke ofis. Maknanya lagi, right on time saya akan clock out dan terus menuju ke Cheras.

Alhamdulillah, saya dapat jemput Iman di sekolah, seperti mana waktu-waktu lalu dan kemudiannya menjemput Kakak dan Adam di taska sebelum jam 6.30 petang. Saya tunggu Iman di spot yang sama dengan Nor (*pengasuh di taska) menjemput anak-anak yang di bawah jagaannya. Loceng berbunyi, anak-anak meluru keluar (awas, don't ever stand in their way, harus dilanggar saja nanti!). Saya nampak Iman, dia tak nampak saya. Saya hairan dia tak terus ke tempat Nor sebaliknya dia pergi to the spot I used to wait for him, and then baru berpusing ke tempat Nor. Saya pandang Iman, dia nampak saya. Saya senyum, dia senyum dan berlari ke arah saya.

Hati senang. Saya lupa soal perkara-perkara di pejabat yang membeban fikiran saya. Saya lupa soal nasi atau noodle. Saya tahu saya ibu yang bertuah.

Khamis 30 June 2011, hari terakhir TSAHM saya. Iman dan Hazim (sepupunya). Iman in blue.

tak pernah menolak kalau disuruh posing


kelas pertama hari tersebut, JQAF yang dibuat di dalam surau sekolah

permandangan biasa di akhir waktu sesi persekolahan petang. anak-anak yang tak sabar untuk pulang


*Taska ni, where my kids go ni betul-betul berdepan dengan sekolah kebangsaan yang dihadiri oleh Kakak dan Iman. Sorang pengasuh will send and fetch anak-anak sekelian to and fro pada setiap sesi persekolahan. Atas alasan itu saya hantar anak-anak saya ke sana walaupun bayarannya lebih mahal berbanding beberapa taska lain di sekitaran rumah saya. Bukan saya punya banyak duit, tapi soal praktikaliti dilebih diutamakan. Nor, pengasuh yang saya kenali sejak lebih 6 tahun lepas. Anak-anak saya sangat manja dengan Nor.

Life Goes On

Life goes on. I must move on.

Menoktahkan satu fasa perjalanan hidup yang amat bermakna buat diriku. Pada hari Jumaat yang penuh berkat ini, perjalanan selanjutnya bermula. Moga yang mendatang indah-indah belaka.

La Tahzan..

Things aren’t always as they seem. Musa's mother was told to throw her son in the river, Yusuf was left for dead in a well, Maryam delivered a child alone, Aisyah was accused of a terrible sin, Yunus was swallowed by a whale, Ibrahim was thrown in the fire, Muhammad (saw) lost the love of his life Khadijah. Yet look at how it turned out for them in the end. So don’t worry, Allah has a plan for you

Tidak ada kesusahan (atau bala bencana) yang menimpa (seseorang) melainkan dengan izin Allah dan sesiapa yang beriman kepada Allah, Allah akan memimpin hatinya (untuk menerima apa yang telah berlaku itu dengan tenang dan sabar) dan (ingatlah), Allah Maha Mengetahui akan tiap-tiap sesuatu. At-Taghabun ayat 11

Wahai hati, la tahzan.. Allah has better plans for us all InsyaAllah.

20 Hari Lagi

Tik tok! Tik tok! The counter shows only 20 more days before I end my TSAHM period. How time really flies (when I'm having fun)! If you ask, I'd rather stay home like I do now. But, life goes on. Harap-harap apa jua yang mendatang akan ditempuhi dengan penuh kebahagiaan.

That, also contibutes kepada kemalasan untuk menulis blog. I keep thinking on how kesian to leave the kids. On how sad it's going to be not being able to do home-tuition anymore. On not being able to do so many things together with the children. But, alhamdulillah, we mothers can make easy pahala actually. Stay at home and mind your children and house-affairs - dapat pahala. Kerja membantu ekonomi rumahtangga - dapat pahala. Bapaknya pulak dah sah-sah kena cari nafkah kan.

Sebenarnya, usul untuk hantar resignation letter tu memang dah dibentangkan. Setelah ditimbang-timbangkan, dikira-kira, direnung-renung.. keputusan diambil ialah Kak Mon harus kembali bekerja. Sementelah, alhamdulillah objektif percutian (eh, macam bercuti naik kapal la pulak bunyinya!) hampir tercapai. Tho I think I could've done more. (FYI at times my middle name is Procrastinate) Anak-anak? Setakat ni masing-masing buat muka masam bila tahu Ummi akan kembali bekerja. Iman tanya 'Oh, nanti Ummi balik malam lagi lah ya?' Ya nak, mungkin itu akan terjadi tapi Ummi janji, within my effort Ummi akan cuba balik on time, seboleh-bolehnya. Ummi janji akan tetap tengok homework anak-anak sekelian dan belajar sama-sama dengan kalian walaupun masanya akan jauh lebih singkat berbanding sekarang.

Ya Allah, sebagaimana Engkau permudahkan transitionku dari bekerja kepada TSAHM, maka mohon Engkau permudahkan juga transitionku dari TSAHM kepada bekerja. Permudahkanlah keadaan terutamanya bagi anak-anakku yang amat dikasihi.

*sob*

I Love You Too

En Tebby made a surprise today. I found a box of choc, a rose and a card on my side of the bed. For someone who puts practicality above most things (read as not romantic), he suprised me really.

Owhhh... I love you too!

When Love & Hate Collides

Tell me,

When a particular someone acts like the person that particular someone hates, how can I love that particular someone?

Al-Fatihah to Wan

My maternal grandma passed away last Thursday 17th June 2010. She was 80++, was still healthly and fit. Still going around minding her chores and could not keep still for long. I guess now I know what added up to my kids being like that (apart from the genes from Tebby that is).

I was not raised to be close to anyone, my mom, my dad, my siblings and my Wan included. But that's another chapter altogether. But still, I cried when I got the news. How fragile life is and how unprepared I am for all this, let alone, death. When they asked close relatives to have the last look, we all sobbed openly.

Wan left 7 children of her own and 3 step-children. She was married twice. Once with my mom's dad. With him she had 2 children. Then she married my late step-Aki, who had 3 children from his late wife at that time, and later they had 5 more. If I were to draw our family tree, it's gonna be huge, no doubt. And I haven't started on my father's side!

The day she finally left us, she went to 'paya' (paya is the word we use for abandon sawah. still rich with all sorts of fishes), like she normally did for as long as I can remember. She fell in knee-deep water and drowned. Thing was, my Wan consistently 'black-out' from time to time. Maybe, maybe, she blacked-out and fell. God Knows as she was alone at that time. She usually came back at around 6.00 to 6.30 each day but on that fateful day, she was not home when Maghrib was approaching. They (orang kampung) started searhing after prayers and found her close to Isya'.

Apapun, please recite Al-Fatihah for her (Munah Binti Yatim) and may she be amongst orang-orang yang beriman.

Langkah Pertama

Orang kata, setiap perjalanan seribu batu dimulakan dengan langkah pertama. Walaupun perjalanan seribu batu itu nampak beranjau, it has to start somewhere kan. Jujurnya, sekarang ini beberapa perkara penting sedang mengambil tempat dalam hidup saya. Tidak besar, tapi penting. Alhamdulillah, satu kebetulan telah menemukan saya dengan pihak yang berkenaan. Langkah pertama telah dimulakan. Semoga selebihnya dipermudahkan.

I have to say this online. Terima kasih saya kepada colleague, Zarid yang banyak membantu saya satu dua hari ni. Good and true friends are hard to come by. I'm glad our path crossed. I owe you one.

Had It Been..

Had everything went well, our baby would've been born today. The day I got to know baby left us, Tebby was in Thailand. I was nursing a broken heart whilst managing my life, my kids like nothing had happened. But I guess that what makes me who I am today.

Apapun terima kasih Ya Allah atas pinjaman itu walaupun cuma sekejap. Cukup menyedarkan saya kebahagian boleh datang tanpa dipinta dan boleh hilang tanpa rela. Cukup mengajar saya hati ini perlu dididik supaya sabar dan redha. Walau apa pun, alhamdulillah.. saya pasti semua perkara ada hikmahnya.

Bacakan detik-detik gembira, resah, panik dan berkesudahan dengan duka di sini. Bacakan bagaimana Kakak, dengan empatinya cuba menghiburkan hati saya, di sini.

I Am A Saviour Mom - I Hope

Today, we did not date as we normally do every Friday. Tebby's buried under his piles of work while I am down with either something-wrong-with-my-heart thingy or some kind of acid reflux from not eating properly lately. No joke people, I did an ECG test today which left unsighly red marks on my chest.

You see, I've been carrying this huge emotional baggage on my back lately. This is more than PMS peeps. There's a lot in my mind, mostly about Iman.

Last night I dreamt I lost Iman. He was calling for me but I could not see him. We were somewhere near sea. I was in a locked room and when I eventually got out, I saw Iman sickly panic, helplessly sitting on a branch of a tree. The thing is, the tree is in the sea and Iman could not get down. I miraculously paved myself through the water and grabbed him with all my life and brought him ashore to safety.

Whatever that dream means, if is has meaning at all, in real life, I'd always want to be his saviour. I must be. I must be strong enough to pave my way through for him, no matter how impossible it may seem at times. I need to unlock myself soon enough before he submerge in the sea water.

Am reading Three Cups Of Tea. Found an inspiring quote..

When it's dark enough, you can see the stars

My Girl

She's gonna be 9 in just a few months time.

How time flies! I remembered holding her in that stark red swaddle in APSH just moments after birth and next thing I know, we're sharing clothes (that includes inners, baby tees and tudung at the moment). How's that possible between a 36yo-mom-of-three and a barely 9yo girl? Thing is, I am small built and petite and she's not.

I can't wait for the time for us to go for girls outing and do adult things together. You know, make-up shopping, commenting and giving opinions on clothes to buy or even buying undies together! Just us (I hope the male species in this household get this message when the time comes!)

The thing is, she doesn't always agree on certain things I that I prefer for her. For example, I love her in long skirts, frilly lacey blouse, stuffs like that. But she just loves those simple straight cut tees, jeans and cargos. When at home, it's that tights (seluar nyonya, as Tebby puts it) and tees (again). Tebby once announced 'I'm a t-shirt guy' so it's obvious where she gets that trait from.

But we both are melodramatic. We both cried watching movie SEPI. We are the worry-over-nothing, helplessly-romantic type of persons. We both love books by Jeff Kinney (yes, she reads that, I'm not sure if she should though).

This, is not a birthday entry for her so save your wishes until August, will ya. The last time I wrote something like this, I got happy-birthday-and-many-returns-of-the-day thingy. I suppose we need not wait until that special day to share our thoughts. Life is something we should embrace and celebrate everyday.

I love you Kakak.

Cemburu Dengan Pembantu?

Bibik Ros bercuti. Berangkatnya tadi lepas Zohor dengan bibik rumah belakang, Mbak Ton. Dihantar Tebby ke stesyen komuter Serdang. Esok balik belah petang, dijemput majikan belakang, Fadli.

Anak-anak nak ikut, kecuali Iman. Kakak dah nak kemas beg. Adam resah. Ini peringatan buat Ummi. Apa anak-anak sudah jatuh cinta dengan Bibik Ros? Tapi, kalau diberi dua situasi iaitu yang pertama seperti yang saya alami ini. Keduanya, anak-anak menangis ditinggalkan nak ke pejabat. Dah tentu saya mahu anak-anak riang sahaja. InsyaAllah di rumah diberikan perhatian yang sewajarnya. Kalau saban pagi asyik menangis, tak betah dibuatnya waktu di ofis kan.

Cabarannya, striking the balance between the two. Mahu anak-anak selesa dengan Bibik Ros tapi takmau sayangnya melebih-lebih pula. Idea? Saranan? Yang membina saja ya. Kalau mau mengkritik, terus terang, saya tak ada mood untuk itu.

Apapun, saya harap Bibik Ros bergembira di hari liburan begini. Harapnya lagi, jangan esok tak kembali semula!!

Had I?

Semalam kan saya hangin..

1. Over insiden yang berlaku kat ofis. Thanks guys yang bagi komen. Enlighten me up.

2. Over gajian yang tak masuk-masuk sampai lewat petang. Or was it belah malam?

3. Then we went back late sebab somiku ada meeting late yesterday and we were supposed to go and beli uniform Kakak (she starts ke ko-k today). Meant lagi lewat le sampai rumah.

And yet..

1. When the person I was so angry with came and see me. We talked as usual, like nothing happened.
2. When the gaji finally credited, I was no as excited as I expected I'd be. Even Tebby was perplexed when I did not withdraw there and then. I'll settle my debts first, I heard me said.

3. When Tebby fetched me up, I smiled. We bought uniform for Kakak and had relaxing dinner. I even offered him the saba from my bento box. Peace.

I wonder..

1. Had I lost my ability to really get upset and angry and even run an amok?

2. Had my age taken toll on me and I finally realised those are really not worth being upset, angry and amok for?

If I had, alhamdulillah.
Doa saya sudah dimakbulkan..

Back To My Roots

It's good to have gone back. To the place where I first had my breath of life. To where my nights were once lighted up by pelita and shower meant having to pave through morning coldness and had our bath at perigi or telaga. To get back to your roots, they say.

I grew up in a kampung. I, was a kampung girl and still am very much of it until now.

Masa saya kecik, tak ada paip air di kampung saya. Our source of water for washing, bathing or drinking came either from perigi, telaga or the great Sungai Pahang itself. I loved the river, obviously for the many activities could be done while waiting for our mothers to finish washing. Especially bila air cetek and a small island of sand appeared in the middle. We erect makeshift pondok made from dahan-dahan pokok which could be found in abundant along the river bank. Or kutip remis and at times, kijin from the sand and mud. Since almost the whole kampung did those related activities dekat sungai tu, makanya the mothers had to take turns washing. Sabunnya pulak sabun ketul cap buruh where the seller cut the big chunk into small portions depending on how much you want to buy. I didn't do much washing back then, being no more than 5 or 6 years old but funny, I can still imagine the smell until now.

If it was not the river, the other option is telaga. I loved the telaga comparing to perigi. Reason being, I had more friends while waiting and it was very near to paya (sawah). When it dried up we could walk on it and played in lopak air. Or just watched kerbau-kerbau lazed around. At times, one or few of us brought tangguk and we had splashsing time trying to tangguk udang kecik from the paya.

Water supply was not the only things we did not have. We lacked electricity as well. It meant daily shopping for perishable for the lack of refrigerator. When it was fasting month, ice was sold like hot cakes. Again, depending on how much you want to buy, the big cube was cut using gergaji and kept cold in saw dust, tightly wrapped in suratkhabar. It also meant when it started to get dark, we had newspaper crumpled and used it to clean cempeni pelita from the jelaga it accumulated the night before. On better days we had lampu geselin (gasoline) lighted up and on those nights, we stayed up a little bit longer, playing. Sometime later, LLN (TNB equivalent at that time) erected poles and we had the priviledge of having electric supply from dark till dawn. 12 hours but we were grateful.

Now we have proper air paip and we have continuous eletric supply day and night. The irony is that, althought I didn't want to go through all those again, I missed them all. I am glad my kids always looked forward to spend times back in my kampung. When I see them played with chicken or pick flowers and plants (much to their Wan's nagging), it's like seeing myself back then. Comot, berpeluh, masam and all. Yes, I was like that.

Salam Aidil Adha untuk semua...

Tangan Bertepuk Tinggal Sebelah Kah?

Pudarkah sudah kasih sayang
Setelah sekian lama
Ke mana pergi manisnya
Ke mana pergi mesranya
Ke mana pergi bahagianya
Apa sekadar terlindung tidak terzahirkan?
Atau sebetulnya telah tiada?

Andaikata tiada cahaya mata pengikat sisa-sisa cinta..
Bagaimanakah?

Tangan bertepuk tinggal sebelah kah?


Nota - sekadar mainan minda pahit manis kehidupan insan lain. Takdir kita belum tentu.

Quiet, Am I Not?

yes, it's been quiet here for quite a while.
was and am not necessarily busy.
something bothers me.
lots of things actually.
sleepless night on some days or another.
maybe i should be back blogging.